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You are here: Match Reports / Sevens/ Lochaber 5th May 2007

Click here for photos from Lochaber (kindly provided by Cahoon)

Seeking to defend their self appointed title of “best 7s team in Scotland” the squad
convened for their annual pilgrimage to Lochaber, showing many changes from the
previous week’s tournament.

Out went Todd (potentially life threatening fingernail injury), Muir (shameful weekend of
romance) as well as Marshall and Lane (just not selected).

Undaunted, the management called up the talented but unproven Stafford and the
enigmatic but hairy Walker, evidently failing to notice the shortfall of two players.

In their opening match Hill’s faced the home side and wasted little time in sending Torbett
over in the corner. Tries followed from all of the team except Stafford who was struggling
to adjust to the “pressure cooker” environment of top class 7s.

Next up were the schoolboys from Lochaber Academy. Buoyed by not seeing “Bully”
Marshall’s name on the team sheet but lacking the skills to capitalise, the schoolboys were
dispatched with consummate ease.

Hill’s faced some other team in their final pool match knowing that a win would guarantee a
favourable semi-final berth. After several early Hill’s tries the result was never in doubt
and a degree of complacency was evident.

Illustrative of this was an effort from Cahoon, who having done the hard work in sprinting
his old bones from halfway, was tackled on the line, with the ref denying a try and awarding
a 22 restart. (Subsequent video analysis has confirmed the ball was grounded and a try
should have been awarded.)

Of concern to the entire team and maybe even Frank Hadden was an injury to veteran #10
Torbett who was “taken from behind” late in the game, sustaining an ankle injury that
would ultimately rule him out of the latter stages.

With one eye on the final and the other on their valuables bag Hill’s faced a touring
Liverpudlian side in the semi-final. Superior skill, pace and good looks allowed the Hill’s to
open an unassailable lead that was never threatened and the final beckoned invitingly like
an all-you-can-eat burger stall.

In the final Hill’s faced a team from the Royal Irish Regiment’s specialist 7s battalion, with
each player allegedly a blood descendant of the great Waisale Tikoisolomoni Serevi.

Undaunted the Hills took an early lead but quickly conceeded two trys and so the pattern
of the match was set, with the teams trading trys but with the Hill’s failing to close the gap.

At the final whistle the Hill’s were declared losers by 34 points to 29, the difference in
points surely directly attributable to Torbett’s absence. After receiving “precious” and a
bottle of medium-dry sherry the team’s disappointment was quickly assuaged.

In his customary post match press conference Captain Patterson mumbled something
about “being delighted” that the Hill’s unbeaten record (against indigenous Scottish
opposition) had been preserved.

Wasting little time, and finding reserves of energy that would surely have been better
deployed in the final, the squad set about building “Little Hughenden”, the tented village
that would be their home for the evening.

The tents were arranged in a tactical formation, ensuring that everyone could see the
much hoped for silhouettes from Big Red’s Tent of Love. The Orc and Smeagol pitched
their tent, known in highland dialect as Mordor, so as to guard the “precious” from theiving
local hobbits.

Torbett, mustering a level of bravery that a 7-year old girl visting the dentist would be
proud of, stood vertically and masterfully made fire to chef the type of barbeque rarely
seen outside of a prison riot. He was commended on the quality of food by travelling food
aficionado Bell who, when not publicly masticating, stated that he did enjoy it “big, thick
and meaty”.

After the barbeque the squad moved into clubhouse, pausing briefly to pay quiet homage
to a picture of Mr BB Mitchell that adorns the walls. Revered outside the G12 postal
district as something of a messiah, Mitchell’s photo is testament to the advances made
over the last 70 years in the battle against aging and hair loss.

Bolstered by the arrival of several WAGs and soon-to-be WAGs, the squad moved
gracefully towards the bright lights of Fort William. Within minutes the night descended
into an blur of alcoholic over-indulgence, bad karaoke singing and evasion from the
advances of hostile natives.

Best for Hill’s were Fisken who notched a lifetimes worth of tries, Dewar who’s capability as
team boy will assure his selection for future overnight expeditions and Stafford who did
manage an easy score in the end.

Squad: Cahoon; Dewar; Fisken, D; Patterson; Rose; Stafford; Torbett; Walker and Bell, D.

Burger Watch: The Lochaber burger received a poor 1-star on the International Bell
Burger Rating (IBBR) – only edible by Bell. On a positive note, Bell did award the
breakfast a 3-star rating, praising the aesthetic appeal of the serving – and the low cost.