You are here: Match Reports / Sevens/Newton Stewart 19th May 2007
Photos from the Newton Stewart 7s available here
Video of Torbett being crushed by a giant sponge available here
Photos from the Newton Stewart 7s available here
Video of Torbett being crushed by a giant sponge available here
| Saturday saw the “blue riband” of the Scottish 7s circuit – the Newton Stewart 7s where £500 of fiduciary issue was on offer for the winners. Captain Paterson reshuffled the team, dropping Eggleton and McMillan, recalling Rose and handing debuts to Elder and Gibson. As a measure of how seriously Hill’s were taking this tournament, Torbett, having recovered from “black foot” but still not selected, assembled a management team of a size not been seen since the 2005 Lions tour. In classic jobs-for-the-boys style McMillan was appointed Financial Director with Bell assuming the key role of translator. Hill’s faced Carlisle in the tournament curtain raiser and did not disappoint the assembled sponsors, supporters and global media, playing a brand of rugby that saw them ease to a 36 – 5 victory with Todd, Walker, Dewar and Cahoon all scoring. Next up, Badgers Academy from Newcastle. Although more used to tackling “badgers” on a Saturday night, the Hill’s boys acquitted themselves well and squeaked home, winning 28 – 24. In their concluding pool match Hill’s played Wigtonshire knowing that a victory would guarantee a semi-final berth. Eager to win the prize money to fund an epic-drinking spree, Hill’s were not to be denied and closed out the match 38 – 5 winners. (As an aside, spectators were treated to the homoerotic sight of Stafford having his nipples rubbed provocatively in a tackle. Tellingly Stafford did not object.) Injecting a hint of razzmatazz that would not look out of place at a Eurovision song contest, the semi-final draw was held “live” in the middle of the pitch and saw Hill’s drawn face the hosts with Stewartry facing the Badgers, who had qualified as best runner up. The “impartial” stadium announcer whipped the Newton Arena into a “caldron of hate” before the Hill’s semi-final in an attempt to unnerve the tourists. The tactic appeared to be working with Hill’s misfiring and losing at half time. The stage was set for the increasingly angry Torbett to make his only contribution – a foul- mouthed tirade of obscenities of such duration that the half-time restart was delayed. But it worked, stinging the team into action and leading to a 24 – 21 victory. Onto the final and a match that for some players would represent the pinnacle of their rugby careers and for others, their lives. In a rematch of their earlier meeting Hill’s faced the Badgers and sadly, like the average dwarf, came up just short, eventually losing 31 – 26. In the aftermath of the loss, Hill’s decamped to “Little Hughenden” and immediately held an investigation into the £500 question – who would get the blame for the loss? Was it the “f*cking criminal kicking” of Paterson or Cahoon’s “geriatric stretching”? Should it be Todd or Dewar who moaned all day of “a sore leg” and “sore bicep” respectively? What about Stafford or Fisken who each failed to register a single try? Perhaps it was Elder, simply for being Elder? What about Rose, who inexplicably went to Dumfries en-route to Newton? Ultimately, blame was never attributed to a single player as the team rushed to consume as much alcohol as they could find and the night slipped into a blur of heavy rock, unhealthy drink combinations, theft, alleged philandering and TCs. Squad: Cahoon; Dewar; Elder; Fisken, D; Gibson; Paterson; Rose; Stafford; Todd; Walker. Burger Watch: Bell awarded the Newton burger a season high of 4-stars, declaring it would have qualified for 5-stars had it been “bigger, wider and meatier, just the way I like it”. (It must be noted that Bell is a native of Newton and is widely believed to have been paid to award this score.) |
